How to Stop Perfectionism and the Pressure to Perform for Others’ Expectations

When you’re measured by grades, likes, promotions, or your teen’s report card, it’s easy to confuse being worthy with being perfect. Perfectionism promises safety (“If I get it just right, no one can judge me”), but it steals joy, time, and connection.

Whether you’re a 20-something building your career, a parent navigating adolescence, or a caretaker spinning multiple plates, the goal isn’t to do more it’s to do what matters.

Spot the “performance for others” trap

Ask yourself: If no one could see this, would I still be doing it this way?

Common red flags: re-editing emails for an hour, saying yes to avoid disappointing someone, delaying rest until every task is “done,” or needing constant reassurance.

Awareness is the first pry bar that loosens perfectionism’s grip.

Three skills to practice this week

1) Values > Validation (The 10-Minute Alignment Check)

• Grab a sticky note and write 2–3 values (e.g., family, health, honesty).

• Before a task or decision, take 10 minutes: “Does this move honor my values or just protect my image?”

• If it’s “image,” reduce the task by 30–50% (shorter email, simpler meal, smaller project scope). You’re retraining your brain to choose meaning over approval.

2) The 70% Rule (Done beats perfect)

Perfectionism thrives on all-or-nothing. Flip it: aim for 70% good enough and ship it.

• For students/young pros: set a 45-minute focus block, stop at 70%, submit or move on.

• For parents/caretakers: choose one “B-minus” task daily (frozen dinner, folded-ish laundry) and spend the saved time on presence a 15-minute phone-free hangout, a walk, or an early bedtime.

• Create a phone note titled “Done > Perfect” and log your 70% wins. Evidence calms the inner critic.

3) Self-Compassion + Boundaries (Talk to yourself like someone you love)

• Micro-script when you feel behind: “I’m allowed to be human. One next step is enough.”

• Body reset (60 seconds): inhale 4, exhale 6, relax your jaw, drop your shoulders, feel your feet.

• Boundary script for people-pleasing: “I want to help and I’m at capacity. I can do X by Y, or we can revisit next week.”

Practice it out loud; write it in your phone for quick access.

Reframe your scoreboard

Swap outcomes for process markers you control: “Showed up,” “Chose rest,” “Stopped at 70%,” “Aligned with values.” Track three process wins per day. Progress compounds.

When perfectionism is protecting pain

Perfectionism often guards deeper fears rejection, shame, or chaos from earlier life. If trying softer feels scarier than trying harder, that’s a sign you deserve support.

Therapy can help! At Herr-Era, we help perfectionists learn to stop running. We can map your perfectionism cycle, heal the fear underneath, and build flexible routines that match your season of life.

If you’re ready to make space for what matters — your health, your people, your peace — set up a consultation today!