Have you ever gotten home after spending time with friends and suddenly started questioning every single interaction?
Maybe you made a joke that nobody laughed at, or shared something a little too personal.
You possibly noticed someone’s facial expression change while you were talking, or someone’s tone seemed odd after you asked a question.
At the time, it probably didn’t seem like a big deal. But hours later, you find yourself replaying the entire conversation in your head…
Overthinking Social Interactions
As a therapist, I find overthinking particularly interesting.
It often sounds like replaying conversations are someone’s way to protect themselves from feeling judged and be fully accepted.
As humans, we are wired for connections. Feeling accepted, understood, and included is part of our biology. “We are social beings,” you’ve probably heard that one many times.
And yes, our relationships seem to play a big role in how we truly see ourselves.
Rumination: The Brain’s Trap
But what happens when that desire for connection turns into an excessive awareness of how we are presenting ourselves?
This is often referred to as rumination, which involves repeatedly reviewing interactions, especially those that made us feel uncomfortable.
The interesting part is that as we try to replay these scenarios over and over, we might find ourselves noticing things we didn’t even think about when they were happening. Or that possibly did not happen at all…
Looking Beyond - And Going Deeper
Oftentimes, clients come to session with these thoughts and concerns. From a therapeutic perspective, I think it is important to look beyond the interaction itself.
When someone spends too much time worrying about others feelings and perceptions after social interactions, I become curious about what that could possibly represent in that client’s psyche.
What Happens Beneath the Surface
Are they truly uncomfortable or is there a deeper fear of being disliked?
For some people, overthinking can be connected to earlier experiences in which acceptance fee conditional.
Maybe you grew up feeling responsible for other people’s emotions.
Maybe criticism was common in your household.
Or maybe you were raised to think that being liked meant avoiding conflict and pleasing everyone regardless of their perspectives.
These early patterns become internalized and carried into adulthood without realizing it.
Is there a need for control?
The Trap of Overthinking
I often notice that overthinking gives an impression of productivity.
If someone overthinks enough, they can convince themselves that they’ll figure out what the other person was feeling and thinking. But in reality, we can’t.
We cannot know how someone else interpreted every single behavior, comment, or aspect of a social interaction.
But we can pay attention to ourselves. We can reflect on how we felt!
Did you enjoy the conversation? Did you feel connected to the people around you? Did you have a good time?
Sometimes we are so concerned about whether other people liked us that we forget to ask ourselves how we truly felt in their presence.
Turning to Therapy
Our brains work so hard to think things though. It could be helpful to have someone to work these thoughts out with you! At Herr-Era, we’re dedicated to all your thoughts. Therapy can help you find inner peace, teaching you how to let go of overthinking and rumination.
These thoughts don’t have to dictate all your days!